‘Forever’ Is The Problem

‘Forever’ Is The Problem

Ladies, when you hear the word “forever” what’s some things that come to mind? Personally, what instantly flashes in my head is marriage because that’s something that’s supposed to be forever, right? Fellas tell me this, how soon is too soon to be considering forever with someone? A year into dating exclusively? Eight months? Well, what if I told you that there are some women who are checking you out on the first date to see if you fit the surface check? You’re probably wondering what on earth is the surface check, right? Well, keep reading.The surface check is the basis of who you appear to be on the surface and how that either correlates or goes against what a woman has on her checklist. For some women, the surface checklist is done prior to the first date as that determines if they’ll be one or not. “I want a husband who’s six foot four, chocolate brown skin, a full beard and a beautiful smile,” are some things that come to mind (for me at least, ha). Now when approached by a man, we’re listening enough to engage in conversation while we run down our mental checklist. “Brown skin? Check. Taller than 6’2? Check. Beard? Stop the clock! He doesn’t have a full beard!” We are now disengaged since he does not meet the surface check criteria. He’s not the picture perfect husband you’ve been dreaming about since your teen years. So what does this mean? “I’m not wasting my time on a man who isn’t what I want,” right? What if I told you that I know exactly why you’re single… why I’m single… why we’re single? Would you believe I found the answer in the pages of Demetria Lucac D’Oyley’s A Belle in Brooklyn?

Demetria ponders, “Do black women know how to date?” She goes on to say, “So many women spend all of their time trying to find the one and hold on to him so tight that they forget how to just get to know someone and have fun. They think about marriage before the date.” Now think about the surface check. See the problem? Some of us have forgotten the main purpose of dating is getting to know someone. If it develops into more, fine. If not, fine. You would have spent what, two, three hours tops either figuring out what works for you or what does not work for you. Decent conversation, good food, maybe drinks, is never a waste of time. But banking on forever too soon definitely is.

Dating is a mere recreational sport – your only expectations early on should be trying new things with new people. That’s it. The surface check may be your filtering process but eventually, there will be nothing to filter though because you’ll have already knocked out any possible connection because you were too busy thinking about forever instead of being in the moment and having fun. It’s a new year y’all, let’s try something different.

– Yolanda Danae’



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