2018 Is About Transparency
Often I’m told that I seem closed off. Like there’s something I’m holding back, especially in many of my blog posts. I try my hardest to be transparent but still maintain a level of privacy because face it, my readers don’t need to know every aspect of my personal life. Well something just changed that. I mean I’ll still be a little vague with certain topics, but today you’ve caught me in a mood. I’m not sure why I’ve felt the sudden urge to share, but I hope in doing so, this situation starts to make sense in my own mind.
It’s Tuesday January 4, 2018 — 12:54 pm and I’m on the phone with Nicole after sending her earth-shattering screenshots. I started to rant on Snapchat but figured I’d save myself the embarrassment and bare my soul in the comforts of her inbox instead. I’m scrolling on Facebook and discover that the one guy I thought would be my husband had proposed to someone else. It’s been a few years and a few people in between our season together but this blow really hurts. You all asked for transparency, so here it is.
My thoughts are all over the place right now so I’m sure this post is just as scattered as my heart beat is running laps throughout my body. Nicole calls and is her usual high energy self which lets me know she hasn’t opened the screenshots I had sent her. I resend them, prompting her to open the pictures which will explain my disdain. We sit in complete silence — literally, dead silent on the phone. She knows what this means for me though I don’t say it. My heart, which has made a new home in the pit of my stomach is still having a tantrum. “We just talked about this Sunday,” I say to Nicole as we both recall our conversation about dude on New Year’s Eve. “We my Love, we did,” she says. “I’m good, haven’t thought about him at all,” I told her. And it was true. I haven’t thought twice about him since our last conversation back in September. You see, B and I had history. Though we didn’t work out, there was this understanding – well, more than that – there was an actual conversation, several, where it was stated that life needed us in different places and that in time, we’d come back to each other when we were better people. As time progressed however, I began to realize that though this was the arrangement, it never really was honored… on his end. Since I’m being honest, I’ve dated a few people since my run with B, but never really had a connection strong enough to say “I can see myself with this person forever.” Maybe, I wonder, that’s why it’s never really worked with anyone else. Sure, every attempt at building a relationship had its reasons for not working out, but could I have also been part of the reason? Subconsciously waiting for dude and I figure things out? Maybe not though. Maybe parts of me now are just trying to justify why I’m feeling how I am. Who knows, I’m still trying to sort through this.
It’s 1:48 pm right now and work has calmed my nerves a bit. I’ve talked to a few friends who’ve all been trying to raise my vibrations. It’s working I guess — my hands have stopped shaking and the knot in my throat has subsided. I’m glad I started typing when I did, even though I may never publish this post. What is it that’s bothering me so much? Well for starters, he’s getting married! But this isn’t about him, right? This is all about me. It was like a slap to my face watching him say (yes, he posted the proposal and the steps leading up to it) saying to her the things he’s said to me — and even adding “our” song (Differences by Ginuwine) to the background of the proposal video. That’s disrespectful and was an extra slap in my face. Especially since I’ve held that song with high regard since he first sang it to me way back when. Hearing it still, well up until today, made me think of B in a warm way. Not anymore though. Hearing the song in my head now sends me flashbacks of the smile on his face while he talked about her in that video. Why did I watch the stupid video? Now its stuck in my head! I’m getting worked up again. *Breathe* I remember my counseling sessions back in college – ‘I words,’ my counselor would tell me. “Don’t just say ‘My feelings are hurt.’ Figure out what those feelings are and say what you feel using ‘I’ words.” I feel crushed that he proposed to this girl. I feel disrespected that he did this publicly and didn’t have the decency to tell me ahead of sharing on social media (like we’ve discussed in the past). I feel afraid that the rest of the world is moving forward and I’m stuck right where I am. I’ll even go as far as to say I may even be a little jealous that she got a ring while I’m still waiting for commitment – since I’m being honest.
There’s a moment of reflection. Sometime in early November I asked the Universe to rid me of a couple things — one of those things being one sided relationships. Maybe this is it, after all, I can only state the intention, I can’t outline how the Universe will deliver the message or the lesson. So for that, I have to be content with what I asked for and trust that the closing of this chapter will ultimately be in favor of my future self — even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. I have to trust that… I have to have faith in that…
It’s Thursday now, 1:53 pm and I’m adding some closing remarks and tidying things up a bit. I sent this post to a few friends on Tuesday who believe that posting this will not just help to heal myself, but maybe other as well. I cried on Tuesday and again on Wednesday as a result of my emotional overload. But today I’m ok — though I just came across the screenshots as I was uploading a picture on Instagram and my chest got heavy all over again, but not as bad as before. (I know, I should delete the pictures for my own sake). Anyway, I’m ok enough to be transparent with you all about what I’m feeling, but not ok enough to congratulate him. Petty? Maybe. But as far as I’m concerned, there is no communication to be had between us now. And I’m not being dramatic. My focus is on progression, and I can’t do that if I’m stuck in or on the past. After all, a step forward for him does not mean a step backwards for me.